The advertising agency for Myoplex really knows what they're doing. When it comes to fitness, I want to look like Matt Hasselbeck or some chick I've never heard of. I'm assuming this girl is a professional athlete. Probably for rifling or something else extremely shitty and boring.
Way to go Myoplex. You're represented by a bald, elderly gentleman, some chick, and a pretty-boy who's played a total of like 5 downs in the NFL.
You have to help me out. I need a runningback. I mean, I have Reggie Bush, but... he's Reggie Bush.Holy Hell. I need a RB who can actually run the ball up the middle without pissing his pants. I had Deuce McCallister last year, but he retired because his knees went bankrupt.
There has to be something I can do. Help, Kyle.
Thanks,
Sean P. New Orleans, LA"
I'm not sure if I'll be able to help you. I've never really had a reliable RB situation with the exception of Matt Forte. When I was with the Bears I had Cedric Benson, but he's literally retarded. I remember how happy that waterhead was when he finally learned how to use tools.
Fun Fact: He had more DUIs last season than touchdowns.
Concerning Reggie, I'm not sure what you're worried about. Reggie's pretty ballin'. I would make a joke about Kim Kardashian and her big, fat ass, but I'm not a fucking chatty Kathy on one of those celebrity gossip piles of shit. Also, I would love to get in them panties.
Also, Pierre Thomas was starting to come around towards the end of the season. He had 12 TDs and only started half of last season's games. And don't forget that you have Drew Brees to pick up any slack.
Drew Brees is a fellow boilermaker, so I have a lot of respect for him. The only time I've ever met him, the conversation went something like this.
Drew: Hey, Kyle! Nice to finally meet you. Your career is going pretty well so far. How's Chicago? Me: What? Drew: I asked how living in Chicago was. Me: Whatever. Hey, you... you got some shit on your face. Drew: Huh? Me: Uh, you have some dirt right there on your face. Drew: I know Me: OhJust try not to worry about Reggie. We all know that it's merely a matter of time before his ACL explodes.
If I were you I would be more concerned with your shitty-ass defense, but you'll be fine. I bet you make the playoffs. Trust in Pierre.
On second thought, you're in the same division as the Falcons and the Panthers. Forget about the playoffs.
The box says your a fat, insecure pig. You're a ridiculous bitch and I would consider divorcing you if I could hear myself think over the sound of the eggshells breaking under my feet.
Shut your mouth Steve and make some wall-pizza before your life finds a way to get shittier.
How about you quit back-pedaling, Steve, and polish your knuckles with her fucking molars like a normal man. Slap that Y-chromosome across her face and show that piggie who's boss.
Wipe that smirk off before I wipe it off your pale face for you with the back of my fucking hand.
The box says "you have no spine, Steve." Shut your mouth. I'm hung-over, my poop is black and I fucking hate Cheerios now.
GIRL POWR!!! LOLZ!!!
Sorry for being so salty on a sunday morning. Time for church! Praise Jeebus!
Much like yourself, I'm in the midst of a preseason battle for my team's starting QB spot. I just don't know what to do because I'm trying to outplay a monstrous black person. Jamarcus Russell was blessed with being super black and super huge.
Clearly he has some very apparent advantages, but I have experience. Does 2 year starter in the WAC mean anything to you? No? How about 5 seasons with the Calgary Stampeders?
Anyway, I'm not ready to ride the bench. Help me Kyle. What should I do?
Sincerely, Jeff G. Oakland, CA"
I can understand your concern. He's 6 inches taller, 60 pounds heavier, 16 years younger, and much more athletic than you.
If there's one thing that should comfort you, it should be your wife. If there's another thing that should comfort you, it's that you're a much smarter quarterback than Jamarcus. Granted, you can't throw it a billion fucking yards off of your back foot, but at least you don't fuck up as much.
The fact that you scored 6 points higher than Jamarcus on the Wonderlic test (the NFL's IQ test) gives me some hope for you to start. However, you also rode the bench behind Donovan McNabb who has the lowest score of any starting NFL quarterback.
Looking up your Wonderlic scores made me curious as to what starting QB had the highest score in the NFL. It turned out to be this mouth-breather with a score of 39.
I honestly had no idea that Eli was so smart. Let's just hope that he never uses his immense genius for evil. Can you imagine the horrors that a mind like that could create.
The truth of the matter is that you probably won't start unless Jamarcus totally chokes or gets injured. But, think about it, do you really want to be the starting QB for the Raiders? That's like wanting to be at the front of the Jonestown Koolaid line. Just sit back, relax, and I'm sure you'll get your chance to play this season. If not and you retire as a backup, it's no big deal. Your life isn't shitty or anything. After all, what has two thumbs and loves super-model pussy?
"Hey Kyle, I'm having truble deciding when would be a prefect time for meto finally retire. I'm just shy of 68 years old, but I still have a goddamned canoon for an arm despite having the shoulder of a corpse. For the most part I was loved at my last team, but any one willseem like a savvior when you've had chad "noodlearm" penninngton throwing 48 MPH change-ups to cornerbacks.
I want to keep playing, but I'm tired of people fucking polking fun at me. Should i retire or should I stick around and play for the vikings?
Thanks, Brett F. Kiln, MS p.s. Congratulashuns on the 5,000 passing yard. I remember my first five thousand passing yards... I also remember my last sixty thousand."
First off, what's your beef with Chad Pennington? He's a good guy. What's your prob...
Nevermind.
But the vikings? Really? Viking fans don't even like the vikings. At least it won't be hard for you to get to the top of the depth chart, because Tavaris Jackson is as dumb as they come. I really don't think that you want to end your career in Minnesota. Why don't you just let it go and retire gracefully. Let people remember when you were badass, not when you had a graham cracker for a shoulder. Plus, who are you going to throw to in Minnesota? Bernard Berrian? I used to play with Bernard Berrian back when I was with the Bears, but I swear I can't remember what he looks like. I'm not sure if I even met him. There's actually a possibility that Bernard Berrian doesn't even exist.
Anyway, just walk away. You're pretty fucking old, and nobody wants to see a legend go out like this.
There has to be something I can do. Help, Kyle. 
Fun Fact: He had more DUIs last season than touchdowns.
Just try not to worry about Reggie. We all know that it's merely a matter of time before his ACL explodes.
If I were you I would be more concerned with your shitty-ass defense, but you'll be fine. I bet you make the playoffs. Trust in Pierre.
Clearly he has some very apparent advantages, but I have experience. Does 2 year starter in the WAC mean anything to you? No? How about 5 seasons with the Calgary Stampeders? 
If there's one thing that should comfort you, it should be your wife. If there's another thing that should comfort you, it's that you're a much smarter quarterback than Jamarcus. Granted, you can't throw it a billion fucking yards off of your back foot, but at least you don't fuck up as much.
Looking up your Wonderlic scores made me curious as to what starting QB had the highest score in the NFL. It turned out to be this mouth-breather with a score of 39.
I honestly had no idea that Eli was so smart. Let's just hope that he never uses his immense genius for evil. Can you imagine the horrors that a mind like that could create.
The truth of the matter is that you probably won't start unless Jamarcus totally chokes or gets injured. But, think about it, do you really want to be the starting QB for the Raiders? That's like wanting to be at the front of the Jonestown Koolaid line. Just sit back, relax, and I'm sure you'll get your chance to play this season. If not and you retire as a backup, it's no big deal. Your life isn't shitty or anything. After all, what has two thumbs and loves super-model pussy?
I want to keep playing, but I'm tired of people fucking polking fun at me. Should i retire or should I stick around and play for the vikings? 
Nevermind.
Just walk away.
